Chicago's the greatest

Chicago's the greatest

Monday, March 28, 2011

Riggleberry Bloke And Other Silly Whatknots!

Riggleberry Bloke is a book that I wrote and illustrated. It took me 15 years to pen it and 10 more to get it published. I'll let the description of this here, tasty tome do the rest.

Riggleberry Bloke is a book for extremely young kids (ages 3 months old and up) as well as really Cob-webby and obsolete children (ages 67 up through Dracula years). And then everyone in between!
It’s a book teeming with consternated dogs, mustachioed women and a 3-day-old piece of toilet paper! Upon completion of this delectable tome, one stands to be well versed in the erudition of many other chief subjects, such as, but not limited to; maggots, cat throw-up, cyclops’, 8-track players and Death Star Space Station boxes!

One caveat, Some of the tattle-tales are terribly tall, some of the words are brobdingnagian, and some of the bed bugs do lacerate! That notwithstanding, this compendium of cantankerous claptrap is most assuredly more agreeable than eating all your vegetables or getting inoculated for no good reason! Its promethean gimcrackery meets the deep-end of the Drink! And its moniker is Riggleberry Bloke!

The book is 122 pages long and is comprised of 55 short and long poems. Some are, Pacific Oceans while other are merely, Puddles.

Here is one such Puddle:

Stormie Mol Bean

I know this girl
Named Stormie Mol Bean.

And she is the weirdest kid I’ve ever seen!

She flips her pillows
To cool her head.

And sleeps not on top
But under her bed!

The toys that she likes
The very, very best!

She puts them away
And plays with the rest.

She likes to tan
From a moving van.

And talks to her friends
But only through a fan.

She reads in the dark in her Mom’s frying pan.

And likes to drink soda pop hot from the can.

Chocolate chip cookies
She puts to her lips.

After she picks off the chocolate chips.

Her cats are named Hershal
And Piskers and Jim.

And twice every month
She gives them a trim.

She starts with Hershal
Then Jim
Then Piskers.

She clips all their claws
And she cuts off their whiskers!

What kinda girl
Has poor cats sheared?

I’m telling you now
This Stormie is weird!

Her room’s never dirty
And she doesn’t complain.

She eats orange peelings
And likes to drink rain.

She rides with her clothes
In the washing machine.

For this is the way
She likes to get clean.

Weird, weird, weird
Is that Stormie Mol Bean!

She sits at the T.V.
With Jim and Hershal.

And watches it only
When there’s a commercial.

She likes to leap
From her two-story deck.

With a bright red shower curtain tied around her neck.

She crashes every time
On the neighbor’s front lawn.

If Stormie has a brain
I don’t think it’s on!

She burps all the time
Each stronger in force.

Whenever she laughs
She sounds like a horse.

People like Stormie
I wouldn’t endorse.

And this is because
She’s weird, of course!

This Stormie Mol Bean,
Not to be mean,

Is surely the weirdest girl I’ve ever seen!

If she fell off the planet
There’s no way I’d miss her!

Well maybe a little
Seeing how she’s my sister.

With regards to the life of this lowly book, please pray for it to do all that God wants for it to. Pray for me and for Stormie and for the boy that got too close to it's pages!

Shout out to all my Rabbit Room Buds...this one is for you Buck!

Peace & a Pretzel!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Go Cats!!!

JORTS, you were magnificent! Mr. Liggins, way to go my tenacious friend! B. Knight, two game winning shots in three games? As my two-year-old would say, "NICE!"

I'm so proud of this year's squad! I love my Kentucky Wildcats! Thank you Jesus for the two point win!

Just three more games guys! Whatta ya say, lets go win us an 8th championship!


Peace & a Pretzel!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Smelt TheBud LongDrink's Flick-Perpendings (Translation: A Movie Review)

In Short: Limitless was the best movie I’ve seen in the last three years!

In Knot-so-short: A lot of writers can scrape up a great first act or opening. Like in the movie, “No Country for Old Men” where the guy finds a suitcase full of drug money. Now that’s a great opening! It’s actually a fantasy for most of us.
But, and especially as of late, most film makers can’t take that seminal start and expound upon it. As far as my movie viewing goes, I’ve seen tons of movies with rotten 2nd and 3rd acts.

Not Limitless!

It starts off with this wonderful notion of being able to take a pill which allows you to access all of your brain power instead of the usual 15 to 20 percent. Imagine a bedroom being dirty, dilapidated and demolished for nearly 35 years! And all of the sudden someone cleans it up for you in a matter of 30 seconds. Now, times that by a creative and fresh 100 percent and there you have the delightful beginnings of what is unlocked in the mind of this protagonist (Bradley Cooper).

The story is great and moves along swiftly. One of the many delights is watching the different levels of cupidity and egregiousness which saddles nearly all of this adept cast. There are also twists to go along with remarkable and razor-sharp dialogue.

Lastly, some cameras like actors and actresses. Some don’t. Bradley Cooper has a love affair with this camera lens. That is to say, this guy is a leading man for sure and for certain. Something that cannot be said for Walt Disney’s lame-duck of a movie, “Prince of Persia.” Staring Jake The-camera-hates-me Gyllenhaal.

Till next time, this is your host, Smelt TheBud LongDrink saying, “Go hug a stuntman!”

Peace and a Pretzel!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Ugly Biscuit

Ugly Biscuit
By Jon Slone

Remember when Mom made biscuits from scratch?
Look back if you will and imagine a batch.
Hot from the oven
Here came the meal-savers!
Ready to render all kinds of meal favors!

In biscuity bliss with the best of all breads.
We tucked away butter in our biscuity beds.
Those toasty-warm cushions were couches for jam.
And houses for steak and country-fried ham.
We killed them with gravy
We ate them with hashes.
We dipped’em and ripped’em and sprinkled their ashes.

We loved’em “as is.”
Even more so when wetter.
And nothing could sop up the yoke any better!

There on the plate
All fetching and done.
That is
All of the biscuits
‘Sep one!

Remember that odd looking bloke with the slumps?
That fat ugly biscuit with biscuity bumps.
Dorky and different and ready to collapse.
The last of its kind made from leftover scraps.

Remember that biscuit?
I do
For you see,
At times
I’ve felt like that biscuit was me!

A clumpy clay sculpture that someone discarded!
The last of the lot and not highly regarded!
There on a plate with all my pain itchin’.
Then that’s when Jesus shows up in the kitchen!

“This isn’t a test so there’s no way to flunk.”
“But listen,” He says
“I don’t make any junk!”
“You’re made in my image
A miracle refined.
You’re skillfully wonderfully a one of a kind!”
He goes on to say and to slay some more doubts.
That my “insides” look beautiful and so do my “outs”!

“When a sad thought lands.”
He says, “Just whisk it.”
“And remember I’ve never made an ugly biscuit!”

So when you feel left out and lumpy with strife.
Just remember these words from the Bread of life!
When it comes to biscuits that look a bit ill.
Your Mother may make some
But He never will!

This is a special poem that I wrote for my book, "Riggleberry Bloke and other silly whatknots"


Jon BigHElittleme Slone