Do you ever do that?

Do you ever do that?
By Jon Slone









I open the bag
And I push and I shove.
And I place my hand in with some delicate love.
And I push to one side and I swim to the core.
And I lose finger-footing on some unstable floor.

And I’m breaking what I touch
And I’m clutching quite much.
And my hand is all greasy with salt specks and such.

And all for my belly, which was down on its knees.
I finally obtain what I wanted to seize.
I was looking for the chip with the most cheese!


Do you ever do that?




Jon the-chip-holder Slone

Homesick

Homesick
By Jon Slone






This world can have
The shirt off my back.
My shoes and my pants
And the bags that I’ve packed.
For naked I entered this world and believe
That naked’s the way I’ll be taking my leave.
My head and my eyes
Have an upward tilt.
To a wondrous home
That my Father has built.
A place that’s teeming
With beauty unsurpassing.
A life with my Creator
That will be everlasting!
I’ll fly with the angels
I’ll be quite a pistol.
In a world with gold streets
And a sea made of crystal.
I’ll have so much joy
I won’t know what to do.
Plus I’ll know every face
And they’ll all know mine too.
So I live in the spirit
For my Dad and my Boss.
And the things of this world
I count them as loss.
Looking up and looking forward
To heaven with Pops.
Where true life begins
After this one stops!



From a book that I wrote and illustrated called, "Riggleberry Bloke and other silly Whatknots."

St. Mary's of the Pricy Moo! (Do you guys take plasma?)

St. Mary’s of the Pricy Moo! (Do you guys take plasma?)
By Jon Slone








Wow, you guys eat at Arby’s much?

I didn’t know they made a nine dollar sandwich? It’s called a regular roast beef.

Are you kidding me.

If this keeps up they’re gonna have to add alternative methods for payment.

Maybe at the drive-thru they could add another window where you could hock family air looms or maybe a spacious aperture where some guy with a needle could drain off some of your plasma or blood (That’s if you want two sandwiches of course)

Jeez Louise.

They need to rename Arby’s: St. Mary’s of the Pricy Moo!

These numbers are ludicrous.

Have a listen:

Me: Hi, can I get three regular roast beef sandwiches, a small drink and a kid’s meal.
Arby’s: Would you like to donate a dollar to the “Help-me-leave-Arby’s-and-get-a-real-job fund?
Me: No thanks, I’m pretty sure this outlay is already gonna dip into my house payment.
Arby’s: You’re probably right about that sir (Sinister chuckle) thank you for your patronage…is the screen correct sir?
Me: I don’t know, the screen reads thirty seven dollars!
Arby’s: Yes sir, that is correct.
Me: Uh, yeah…scratch that first order…can I get one roast beef fold-over, a used kid’s toy and a small fry…I’ll take cold fries if that knocks off a few extra coppers.
Arby’s: Sir, we don’t do fold-over’s.
Me: Okay, what about a few roast beef leavings from the end of one of your roast beef slabs? It’s okay if some of said orts have been on the floor.
Arby’s: Sir I work at Arby’s and as such, I am completely in the dark as to the meaning of the words, leavings and orts. But if I may be so bold as to go by the contextual clues then I’m going to suppose you mean scraps?
Me: Yes I do.
Arby’s: (silence)
Me: Okay, how ‘bout this…cold fries, deformed toy, Dixie cup with water and a junior roast beef?
Arby’s: Okay sir, that’ll be 14 dollars and 87 cents.
Me: Do you guys take plasma?
Arby’s: I’m sorry, what?
(The sound of a car with a kid seat in the back screeching off)
Arby’s: Sir?...Hello, sir?
Me: Come on MacKenzie, let’s try the Bennett Point Grill.



Jon I-need-my-plasma Slone



By the by, this is what I look like everytime me and my wallet leave Arby's:

Soggy

Soggy
By Jon Slone


One clay pot calling out to the Potter.
I’m starting to crack and I need a little water.
My canteen is empty
There’s a rock in my shoe.
Please soak me in love, Lord, I’m desperate for you.
Rain down Your favor and smiles from Your face.
Let me swim in your river of forgiveness and grace.
Cover me up in Your blood that was shed.
Like a waterfall racing for the top of my head.
I long to be drenched and possibly wetter.
I’d settle for soaked but Soggy sounds better.

Soggy in You, Lord, please keep me Soggy!



Jon soaked-to-the-bone Slone

Mark's Nose

Mark’s Nose
By Jon Slone






Fifth grade was tolerable at best.
The bed wetting problem was wetter than ever.
And insecurities were blooming like poppies in The Wizard of Oz.

Then Mark broke his nose and scrambled his face and I thought, what's the point in living now?

I was fine with my bombardment shortcomings
The T.V in my room had fifty channels and 47 of them were snow.
My Haunted House how-to book was still lost in the mail.
My bottle of Rigid Collodion was almost empty.
My sleep-walking problem was way out of hand.
And the new step-dad was in place and as warm and fuzzy as a paper-cut on a hemorrhoid.

Then Mark broke his nose and scrambled his face and my universe caved like Lebron in the fourth quarter.

I played it off perfectly when I passed out during the afternoon film about open heart surgery.
Falling behind on my drum rudiments, no big deal.
Shirts and skins? Heck yeah, bring it!
“No pizza today? Sure, give me the mixed vegetables…it’s only my life here we’re talking about!”
Mom relocating my bed room to the knotty pine attic, why not. Sure, I was a kid with a vivid imagination and a propensity for horror films….but what-the-heck-ever right?! Throw my terrified eleven year-old butt up there in the dark, cobwebby garret! Lock me in with the pull-down-stairs door (Nice touch). I’ll probably be okay…

No problem!

No sweat!

Then Mark broke his nose and scrambled his face. And now, not only does he not look like Luke anymore but he sorta favors one of those Tauntauns.


Thanks a lot Mark!


You wrecked your face, crushed all of our dreams and indirectly caused me to start sleep-walking! And then you tried to play it off like that big nasty Wampa creature did this to you, but we weren’t buying it. No, we knew that that mangled-up funk-nasty face of yours could’ve only been rendered by a horrific car accident, say, one on January eleventh, 1977. (Just a stab in the dark Mark)



















Phone rings

Hold on, I gotta take this call…what’s that honey…they’re all out of Bagel-Bites? (Long disgusted pause) You know what, Mark is a busted-nose, sixty year old Wampa now,…(Pitiful, drawn-out sigh) just get me a bag of Mixed Vegetables.

Thanks a lot Mark!


Luke in 1976






















Some stranger dressed as the guy who plays Luke in 1978


























Jon all-in-good-fun Slone

Sorry-Looking Red Thing (Jeez, thanks Mom)

Seeing how we’re talking about lunches of yore…these were the lunch boxes that my ultra cool friends were toting back in the day:





























This, sorry-lookin' red thing in the middle is what my Mom sent me off with everyday…



















Jeez, thanks Mom!

Hey don’t worry about the fact that I’m 15 pounds overweight and I sniff toilet paper at night…sure, I’ll rock this pansy-lookin’ mommy’s boy lunch box!

Hey, I got an idea….why don’t you just shoot me in the head right now!

Creamy-Bland Blood Broth

Creamy-Bland Blood Broth
By Jon Slone




Back in elementary, do you remember lunch menus? Each home room teacher would get one at the first of the month and you could like not only see the food planned out for the week ahead, but for the entire month! Here are a few actual offerings as they appeared on a 1974 lunch menu:


Monday
Lasagna
Harvest Salad
Your choice of fruit cup or Cowboy Bread
Milk
Ranger Cookie

Tuesday
Seafood patty
Whipped Potatoes
Chuck wagon beans
Hot roll
Thanksgiving cake


Where do I even begin?

Everything had to have some fancy name remember? Harvest salad? Perfection salad? Ranger cookie? Are you kidding me with the Chuck Wagon Beans?

Thank God the roll was hot right?

If they hadn’t mentioned that I don’t know what I would’ve done!

And for the life of me, what in the Sam Hill was Cowboy Bread?


Hold that thought.

Hamburger day might very well have been the best. This is what it looked like:


Thursday
Hamburger
Oven French fries
Lettuce, Pickle,
Onion slice
Milk
Bun
Tonto cookie


Really?

Lettuce and Pickle seriously?

Onion Slice got its own line?

Was this some covert and elaborate way to try and teach us the love of words. Could this have been our second English class hidden behind a Ranger cookie?

Back to the menu.

The first thing I did was search out all the Pizza days and hastened to make mental notes! (This of course was very important you see) Remember how there was always one meal that you dreaded like portly kids and backward roll day in gym class! For me, that one repugnant repast was…..Grilled cheese/tomato soup day.

First off, why tomato soup? I mean, yes, the grilled cheese sandwich was no walk in the park, but I absolutely detested (And still do) tomato soup…and they would always put those damn things together….”Here guys have some fat back on Marble Rye and some balmy sweat in a bowl! Eat up you fargin stinky bastages!”


You never saw anything like this:


Tuesday
Grilled cheese
Your choice of Crab Bisque or Jambalaya soup.

Wednesday
Grilled cheese
Your choice of Spicy Sausage & Lintel or Potato and cabbage soup.


Heck frickin’ naw

This is the way it read to me:


Crudday
Partially grilled (Stiff, stinky and mostly moldy) cheese and a hard plastic bowl of creamy-bland blood broth.


On those days I would always opt for an alternative meal:


Jon: Yes, how fresh are your onion slices?
Cafeteria lady: (Growl)
Jon: Uh, give me four Ranger cookies please.



Check this out!