Monday, November 14, 2011
By Jon Slone
Fifth grade was tolerable at best.
The bed wetting problem was wetter than ever.
And insecurities were blooming like poppies in The Wizard of Oz.
Then Mark broke his nose and scrambled his face and I thought, what's the point in living now?
I was fine with my bombardment shortcomings
The T.V in my room had fifty channels and 47 of them were snow.
My Haunted House how-to book was still lost in the mail.
My bottle of Rigid Collodion was almost empty.
My sleep-walking problem was way out of hand.
And the new step-dad was in place and as warm and fuzzy as a paper-cut on a hemorrhoid.
Then Mark broke his nose and scrambled his face and my universe caved like Lebron in the fourth quarter.
I played it off perfectly when I passed out during the afternoon film about open heart surgery.
Falling behind on my drum rudiments, no big deal.
Shirts and skins? Heck yeah, bring it!
“No pizza today? Sure, give me the mixed vegetables…it’s only my life here we’re talking about!”
Mom relocating my bed room to the knotty pine attic, why not. Sure, I was a kid with a vivid imagination and a propensity for horror films….but what-the-heck-ever right?! Throw my terrified eleven year-old butt up there in the dark, cobwebby garret! Lock me in with the pull-down-stairs door (Nice touch). I’ll probably be okay…
Then Mark broke his nose and scrambled his face. And now, not only does he not look like Luke anymore but he sorta favors one of those Tauntauns.
Thanks a lot Mark!
You wrecked your face, crushed all of our dreams and indirectly caused me to start sleep-walking! And then you tried to play it off like that big nasty Wampa creature did this to you, but we weren’t buying it. No, we knew that that mangled-up funk-nasty face of yours could’ve only been rendered by a horrific car accident, say, one on January eleventh, 1977. (Just a stab in the dark Mark)
Hold on, I gotta take this call…what’s that honey…they’re all out of Bagel-Bites? (Long disgusted pause) You know what, Mark is a busted-nose, sixty year old Wampa now,…(Pitiful, drawn-out sigh) just get me a bag of Mixed Vegetables.
Thanks a lot Mark!
Luke in 1976
Some stranger dressed as the guy who plays Luke in 1978
Jon all-in-good-fun Slone