Chicago's the greatest

Chicago's the greatest

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Spaceship Stacy & Jalopy Jon

Spaceship Stacy & Jalopy Jon
By Jon Slone

So my wife and I bought a new car (The writer giggles) Wait, scratch that first sentence.

So my wife has this new car now and boy is it awesome. Seriously, this thing is like driving a high-tech computer on wheels.

Think Luke’s Landspeeder on Tatooine but with bluetooth. Picture an X-Wing Fighter with sub-woofers.

This thing is a frickin’ spaceship with a Toyota emblem slapped on it.

Don’t believe me?

Try this on for size.

You don’t need keys! You just keep this small black rectangle in your pocket (Or Rhet-Tettan as my two year old would say). Then walk up to your spaceship and the door simply beeps and then welcomes you in. No mess, no fuss.
Once inside, you put your foot on the brake and push this, gorgeously illuminated button and the spaceship, pretending to be a car, silently comes to life.

No keys people!

Everything inside is touch-screen and voice command. What’s more, the dashboard controls are synced up with iTunes. With that, all you do is just plug up your iPod and the huge VDS showcases all of your music for super easy navigation.

Speaking of navigation, the Global Positioning System is quite possibly the flagship item within the deluxe and elaborate cockpit. Not only will it locate, for you, a Golden Coral, show you the location and give you the telephone number….it will also inform you if, in fact, the rolls are fresh and whether or not they’ve got popcorn shrimp.

Here comes the James bond portion.

If you want to insert a CD, you first have to push a button. When you do, the entire GPS Screen thrusts to the fore and rotates from a flush and vertical position to a raised and horizontal one. At first, this is where you’re certain that the ejector-seat button is hiding, but alas, ‘tis only the locality for dropping sonic coins into clandestine musical slots.

Are you kidding me?

She (Stacy) has state of the art everything! Seats that heat up to combat the chill of wintry mornings, Satellite radio, Blu Logic, cameras to help you back the car into tight spots…why, she can even simultaneously blow 60 degree frost on one side of the car. And 90 degree desert swelter on the other. Thus cold and hot natured folks alike can once again unite under one fluctuating roof!

Me by comparison, you ask?

I still have an ashtray, a cigarette lighter and a factory tape deck in my car. And nothing rotates but the oil changes.


After you spend any significant amount of time in her car, this is what it feels like you’re driving:

Her goodies!

My cruddies.

Jon My-Hooptie Slone

P.S. Her 2011 Toyota V6 XLE Spaceship is so fast it practically lifts off the ground! Goodwin and St. Mary’s Road become runways more often than not…’s crazy!

Gotta go…..someone pushed in my cigarette lighter again.

“Fricka Sacka Para-Coda Poller Ratin’ Dirty-Shocka Froca freakun…”

1 comment:

  1. Haha Jon....This made me crack up! Esp since I just picked up my brand new 2011 Honda Crosstour XLT..with every bell and whistle that they make on a car these days (like Stacy's)..I even have a back up camera and 5 manuals that tell you how to do everything. My trade in was 2004 Mazda Tribune SUV, had some upgrades but nothing LIKE this !! wow....anyway..thanks for a good laugh..and tell Stacy to keep her eyes on the road when she's driving..I've driven with her quite a few times..LOL...(just kiddin Stacy..hugs)..Keep up the good work!!