Chicago's the greatest

Chicago's the greatest

Monday, November 21, 2011

Twilight's Breaking Dawn Part 1 (A Sorta-Kinda Movie Review)

Twilight’s Breaking Dawn part 1 (A Sorta-Kinda Movie review)
By Lukewarm Effort

First let me state that I have never read the books.

Okay, so I saw Twilight’s Breaking Dawn Part 1 this weekend and if you’re like me and you’ve attended all of the Twilight movies thus far, then my succinct review of the fourth installment would be as follows: it doesn’t suck as bad as Rotten Tomatoes says that it does.

I will now jump around a bunch. If any of you know me personally, you’re aware that this is normal behavior.

First off, I get tired of watching werewolves (Or wolves) that look about as real as Woody from Toy Story 3.

In four movies thus far, here is the way the defective system has been perpetrated on us: First we see a big fight scene where bunches of Cullen’s are grappling with empty space. Then some Mr. Magoo, who has never laid eyes on a real wolf, sits in his bunker out in Van Nuys where he toils away doing some first rate shoddy CGI work. Upon completion, the editors pair the two images together and six months later we get Jasper beating up Thumper and Alice putting Scooby Doo in a choke-hold.

Come on, really? Somehow they’ve stitched, ‘American Werewolf in London’ with ‘Monster’s Inc.’

And those god-awful transformations where, shirtless boy wonder runs and leaps into the air? And then a wolf appears and CGI shirt fragments trail-off into the cold night mist? Cut my wrist and stuff it with yak hair will ya!


Second off…

For the first half (I repeat, HALF) of the movie, all we get are a big wedding and an even longer snooze of a honeymoon. Are you kiddin’ me…..I looked around the theatre and dudes were passed out everywhere! All around the theatre we were dropping like flies. And the ones who were still awake were slipping into the isles and on their way out to the concession stand. This is the way the ordering went:

Dude: Yeah, give me some Snow-Caps and one of those fluffy pillows there.
Girl: Donut, travel, body, neck or throw?
Dude: What?
Girl: What kind of pillow do you want?
Dude: I don’t care, one that helps me sleep through Breaking Yawn I guess.
Girl: Wool, cotton, feather, Dacron or down?
Dude: Come again?
Girl: Actually, for 50 cents more you could upgrade to a Tempur-pedic.
Dude: Tell ya what, scratch the whole pillow thing….how much is that box of Ambien?
Girl: Thirteen dollars and seventy-five cents.
Dude: Wow, that’s the same price as a large Coke! Alright, give me a box.
Girl: Would you like a pretzel too?
Dude: Why would I want a pretzel?
Girl: I have to ask or I’ll get written up.

Back to the movie…

We men watched in agony as the two lovebirds played chess and hung out with waterfalls. And then Eddie put some bruises on her and then she was like whatever but then he was like no and then she was like yes and then I was like, “Jeez, how long ‘til this Ambien kicks in?!”

Third off…

The other thing that irks the ever-lovin’ fake blood right out of me is that both Jake and Edward are cool enough dudes, interestingly enough characters….but they’re both chasing after this girl that’s as brilliant as a bottle of white-out, as engrossing as being put on hold for tech support and as much fun as going to the dentist.

I’d rather watch Edward fall in love with Telly from Sesame Street.

But back to Belly, or Bella or whatever her name is.

Like in movie two, they would spend the whole film saying stuff like this will never work and I’m no good for you and then Jake would take his shirt off and Edward would run away and she would try to drown herself. Then Vampy would appear to her as a mist and she would ride on a motorcycle with some stranger and Jake would take his shirt off and she would be like I’m so confused and teen wolf would be like is it my line already? And Edward would be like I hope they make a 'Water for Elephants' Part 2.

And this was, and is, the way it always goes……but then, when they finally do get together and Eddie goes in for a smooch, Bella never kisses him like one would think one would kiss their soul mate (and then some). Notice the beginning of every kiss…please.

This is what you’ll see:

He leans in aggressively and starts kissing and she’s over there somewhat putting the brakes on as if Eddie needs a Velamint or an Altoid IV. You’d think that she was sucking face with that old Tonto guy in the wheelchair.

I’m serious, Kristen Stewart is dull like dishwater, as enthusiastic as a dead turtle and as good a kisser as one of the Goonies.

Back to Breaking Dawn (If ever we were there to begin with).

Like most anything you watch, if you watch it long enough, the chances are you’re gonna get attached, on some level, to the characters….what makes this new installment watchable is that I, like you casual fans and Twilight hardboots, wanna see what happens to Jake, Edward and Dish Walla the so-so. We’ve taken this journey with them so far, why not see what happens next?

I’ll add this though, if the Twilight franchise had went with more, real instead of green screen overkill and the genius of Boogerboat Tomkins out there in Van Nuys, these movies would have been a lot better!

Jon Effort Slone

Boogerboat Tomkins (aka Mr. Magoo) (aka CGI studmuffin)


  1. You keep me laughing, love your sense of humor. The funny thing is ,I totally GET it (your sense of humor that is)!!! Great work. P.S. Hi Stacy!!

  2. Well I have to agree with Rozy...I laughed and was hilarious...I loved the dialogue and the guys trying to stay awake and concession stand and the pillows...I mean it was just one laugh after another...I had to tell the girls just how funny it was....really enjoyed this one....too too much

  3. Brilliant! I know next to nothing about the Twilight series and can see I ain't missin' much. Would love to see you get this review out there -- I mean, really out there. Please let me know when you post another review -- so funny and spot-on!

  4. Oh that is I am thinking I need to wait until it comes on netflix??

  5. I had some of the same thoughts as you did about those movies and my teenage daughter said Dad you have to read the books!

    That's not going to happen!

    Keep on keepin on, brother.